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Thread: One-Liners - Short Jokes

  1. #131
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    Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

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    A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how.

    Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, "Now, what do I give them to drink?"

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    Teacher: "Can someone tell me what an 'operetta' is?"
    Student: "Easy. It's a woman who works for the phone company."

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    Author: Well, the upshot of it was, that after ten years, I realized I had absolutely no talent for writing.

    Friend: So, you gave up?

    Author: No, I couldn't. By then, I was too famous.

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    John: "My grandpa is 98 years old, and he doesn't even use glasses."
    Jack: "Wow, that is incredible!"
    John: "Yep, he drinks straight from the bottle."

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    "Do you have a dream?"

    "Yes I do. I'd like to quit drinking."

    "Well, do so."

    "Suppose I do, then what? How can one live without a dream?"

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    I'm great at multi-tasking.
    I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

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    Why is it always a bad idea to iron a four-leaf clover?
    Because you should never press your luck.

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    “Maintaining a healthy diet is a piece of cake.”

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    A repeat offender was brought before the judge, who said, "Haven't I seen you in here several times before? And didn't I tell you I never wanted to see you in here again?"

    The offender replied, "Yes, Your Honor, that's exactly what I told the officer, but he insisted I come anyway!"

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